John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
