garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
