thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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