i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
