she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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