How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
