I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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