I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
