I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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