where am i from again
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
