So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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