there's paper in my vomit.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
