Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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