There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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