I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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