My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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