You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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