just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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