My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
