Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
