I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
