and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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