Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
