I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
