I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
