just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
