Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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