I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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