i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
