Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
