Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
