my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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