She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
