Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
