its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
