Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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