dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
