I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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