Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
