i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sober January is a disaster.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Never joke about your clitoris.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
