Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
