U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
