I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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