I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
