dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
