a queef is a wish your heart makes.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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