WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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