hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
