I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
