I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
