I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
