then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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