I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
